Leadership Depth from Strong Marriages
It's the annual reporting season. You’ll see a lot of mandated disclosure in Securities Exchange Commission filings. However, one gauge you will not see is a meter for the strength of the marriages of our leadership teams. That graph would tell us a lot about the character of our leadership teams. Can you imagine the SEC mandating a marriage experience and success rates for Boards and executive teams for, say, the last eight quarters! I suspect many of the great leaders in the Good to Great companies were not just Level 5 leaders but committed to learning, growing, and strengthening their marriages.
It's easy to point out the failed leadership in the church as there have been many high-profile disasters (Jim Baker, Josh Duggar, Ravi Zacharias, Bill Hybels, - it's a long list of failed marriages, abuse, and dysfunction by those who preached and led large churches and church organizations). But what about corporate America? And what about the non-publically traded companies? Over 44% of our GDP comes from small business, family-owned businesses. In every size of business, we need leaders of character. That is the opportunity for revival and growth God has given us.
My contention is that we have a leadership crisis in this country. Each of us, whether we are a young man just getting started in the corporate world or an old timer. Each of us needs to decide daily to depend on God alone We need to decide to be the husband God knows we can be. Satan says don't worry, no need to fear God - he's a pushover. The Bible says, "Fear of the LORD is the foundation of wisdom" (Proverbs 9:10). Each of us has the ability and responsibility to choose who we will believe.
The heroes of the Bible did not have perfect marriages. We too are not expected to have perfect marriages (thank God!). But we must have good, healthy marriages (1 Corinthians 7:2-9). This blog is for men’s ministry and leadership, so I’m speaking to the men.
In business ethics leadership character is of utmost importance. In that discussion, the priority of marriage is top of the list. I wish the message was taught in Law School or in Business School. The Bible's teaching on marriage is true and it makes a major impact on your effectiveness as a business leader. Here is the message: you are to have a wife. One wife, for life. She like you is not perfect. But she is a child of God designed for great things. Choose well. God gives us discernment to make such essential decisions. And you young man, you are to be a good, godly husband. It is by God's grace that we acquire wisdom and accept the responsibility to be godly husbands.
There are exceptions for the single man, but very few. Even C.S Lewis eventually got married - by the grace of God. Young men can be exceptional husbands. I've seen it over and over. And old men can be a disaster. Age itself is not the determinant. But after almost 30 years of working with business leaders, I can say with confidence that you cannot be the mature godly leader, worthy of the respect of our Christian community, without being the godly husband God expects you to be (Titus 2:2).
This is God’s design, not ours. Not only are we a magnitude more effective in marriage, but we were made for marriage. We are to humbly serve our wives at every stage of our lives. The Bible is clear that marriage is a gift from God and a God-ordained institution. The Christian way is that of marriage - one man and one woman, two becoming one in mutual service and with complementary and distinct roles and responsibilities (1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:8-15, and 3:2-4; Ephesians 5:23; Proverbs 31:1-31; Titus 1:6; and Genesis 2 and 3; etc.). Young men, worry about your growth as a leader. Show your wife how you are growing in the knowledge of the Holy One. Start there.
You don’t need to put it in your company's annual report, but organizations should be mindful of supporting and promoting biblical marriage. God delights in a God-honoring family. I expect little more pleases God than a Grandpa spending time laughing and playing with a four-year-old grandson. Or a family enjoying a meal together - true fellowship - a gift from God worth more than the market cap of Apple and Netflix combined.
Encourage your team today to work on their marriages. Do a date night. Plan a fun vacation. Do a marriage course refresher. Pray for the marriages of those on your team. Pray for the wives and the husbands. Pray with your wife. Let her see you praying to our God as you roll out of bed. Resist the temptation to be showy. But take the opportunity to serve in big things and small. This role as the husband is not easy. But it is good.
For the young guys keep teaching them that not only must they be faithful to their wives, but they must manage their own homes well, really well (Titus 1:6). I can think of little more important. And for the old guys, encourage them to work at serving their wives well. Retake the Four Love Languages or the Alpha Course or some other marriage course this year. You are never too old to stop working and growing.
The reason God gives you a wife is because the two of you together make you better, nay, whole. Marriage makes her better. You are (or ought to be) immeasurably more productive together (Revelation 22:12). So yes, the godly marriage is a foundation for Christian leadership (Titus 1:5).
We often get mixed up for these are mixed up times. Some think it's okay to sacrifice the marriage for the good of the company. Others think it is more important to cover up the marriage scandal rather than tell the truth to the organization. Those fibs never really work. God sees it all. The truth is that the best thing you can do for your leadership development is to be a godly committed husband. Start there. Each of us.
I am blessed with a Dad who is and has been a tremendous model of servant leadership. He was from a young age (he was a journeyman electrician in his late teens and he taught high school for over 25 years). He loves Mom deeply and it’s not always easy to do so (just kidding Mom!). I can see how Mom and Dad have made God the center of their marriage. They have over 60 years of marriage now. Not too shabby. That makes Kari and my 32 years seem like just a decent start.
God detests deception so we might as well tell each other the truth (Proverbs 8:7). The truth is marriage is good, nay, great. It’s how God shows us His sense of humour. It's His laboratory for leadership growth. And it’s the nuclear fuel for leadership strength and resilience. In my career when I was just done, exhausted, Kari always finds the right words and actions to push me on, to admonish when I need that kick in the ass, and all so often to show me grace.
Not only are we to fear the LORD, but we are to hate evil (pride, arrogance, corruption, and perverse speech) (Proverbs 8:13). I hate it when people lord their authority over others. I hate to see husbands mistreating their wives.
I remember as a kid when Dad volunteered us to help with a project on a Saturday morning. We drove to town to help an old WW2 vet who was also the principal of the Arborfield High School. As we waited in the entryway to his house he stayed seated at his kitchen table. We could hear the way he was speaking to his wife as he finished his breakfast. He was British and maybe thought he was still commanding troops. The eggs were not right. The bacon was not right. He was angry and banged his cutlery on the table. He was letting his “kitchen servant” know just how poor of a job she had done - and he was doing so in front of one of his teaching staff members and two young impressionable boys. I had never heard a man talk to his wife like that before. Dad never said anything about it. He didn't have to. Even as a kid, I knew it was wrong for the example we saw at home was mutual respect, and loving-kindness - the opposite of what we witnessed that morning.
Our wives are not our servants. That should be bloody obvious. As we approach Easter Sunday remember Jesus washing the feet of his men. That’s how you lead. You serve. With strength and self-control. It is in God’s great goodness that He gives us wives; may we treat them as the precious treasures that they are.
Innovation is finding new and better ways to produce. Drucker calls it creating a market. Innovation makes you competitive. I dare say young men that the most innovative thing you can do is to find a godly woman and ask her to be your wife. You indeed will be in business in common with a view to making a profit. But marriage is much more than a partnership. Marriage is God’s domain, two made into one and sealed by the Holy Spirit. Let no man even think of tearing apart God's marriage.
Marriage is, as much as anything I suppose, magical. We fall in love. We are enamored with each other. Yet it is impossibly hard (just ask Kari about the first year of our marriage - yikes - horrendous). Yet it is the relationship that makes us whole. Challenges. Fun. Adventures. Children. Grandchildren. Limitless potential.
God shows off in marriage. He shows us the depth of His love. He shows us what faith and prayer produce through Him. He shows us all of the goodness of life in our relationships and none more so than marriage.
Men, that woman at your side is your constant. She is not your enemy. Ever. She is your joy, your companion. So she snores. So what! Get over it. She, like our God, is for you. Not against you. Let’s remind each other of the value of marriage. The Father above delights when we follow His way in marriage and build Christian families (Proverbs 8:31).
So yes, two messages. One is for the young guys. Get married! Stay married. Produce beyond measure. Two, to the old guys, never stop working on your marriage. If you are struggling, good for you. Who doesn’t? Reconciliation is from God. He is the author of rebuilding and restoring relationships. God takes the wounded and broken relationships and makes them new, and better. Commit to a stronger marriage. Stop keeping score. Love your wife. And grow in God’s grace.
Satan hates marriage. He goes to great lengths to steal what God gives and to destroy what is good. In the name of independence, feminism, rights, progress, and advanced education the devil will twist the truth and turn what is good and pleasing, and perfect into what is wicked, empty, futile, and wretched. Don’t partner with the devil. His way twists the truth. He’s sneaky and he’ll try and convince young men and women that they are better off by themselves, dependent on no one, and not needing to rely on God. All lies.
The way of the Christ follower is different. And better. Build your marriage on God’s word; acknowledge God and thank Him at every chance you get (mealtime is just a start).
You can tell the strength of an organization (or a nation for that matter) by the moral character of the leaders. And look no further to assess the moral character of your leadership team than the strength of the marriages of your board members and executive suite members. I’m an ENTJ personality corporate attorney, so I’m likely the last guy you go to for feel-good therapy. This blog proves why I could never be a counselor. But I can read. And the word of God is clear on marriage.
For almost three decades now I've advised CEOs and CFOs on their finance and growth plans. I’ve seen good leaders and great ones. And a healthy dose of frauds and fakes. As legal counsel, and as a church deacon for many years I’ve had the wonderful opportunity in the boardroom, at dinners and lunches, and in various settings to get a glimpse into the importance of a strong marriage for our leadership teams. We have more examples of good honest men than the dishonored men I mentioned above.
I don’t want to overstate it, but the crisis is not just in the markets. Many will go on and on about the constitutional crisis or the challenges to religious freedom and the need to put up motes around our churches. Yet I believe the crisis is a failure of spiritual leadership in our homes, churches, and communities.
Our marriages must get stronger. We need to set the expectation that our young people ought to get married and do so with the blessing and encouragement of the community. Time is a wasting!
For our nation to be good and godly and productive and transformed by God we must honor God’s way. We must honor God by obeying His principles and His commands. We must worship Christ in spirit truth and obedience to His way. I may be wrong. But I’m willing to take that risk.
My wife and I started dating in the late ‘80s when we were teenagers and got married in our early ‘20s. Yes, that route comes with challenges, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We have five kids and four grandkids. And by the grace of God, we have the battle scars of life that prove God’s grace and goodness.
My prayer is for America, nay, the world, to follow God and for God to produce beyond imagination a revival of people to follow and honor Him. That includes making God-honoring marriage top priority.
Can we go it alone? Are we able to outsmart God? Is it practical and probable that God’s way, His wisdom, His design of interdependence, and the need for the created to rely on the Creator do not apply to the autonomous few? You can ask AI, but I already know the answer. No! We need to do things God’s way. For there is no better way.
It saddens me to see so much divorce in our culture. The family is sacred. Marriage between a man and a woman united into one - stronger and better and designed to produce good fruit for the Kingdom of God - is God’s way. Think of ways that your organization and even your role in your organization can bless young people to encourage them to keep working at their marriages. Grow together. Build a family together. Serve God together and reap the incredible benefit of marriage.
Young women, find your man. Young men, find your woman. If you find yourself single at 40, so be it. All things are in God’s good timing. But keep asking God to find you a spouse. For I am convinced that God loves to give to His children. A Christian marriage is a gift beyond measure.
Easter is coming. It’s a time of rebuilding, restoration, and springtime growth. A time to remember Jesus' sacrifice and celebrate His Victory. There is no time better to recommit to God and His way. The stronger our relationship to the Holy One the stronger our marriage. May Jesus be the foundation of our marriages. And may we in His grace grow in strength and productivity. Amen.
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